We’re exhausted over here today. We didn’t sleep at all last night. Ab pulled a back muscle yesterday. In most homes, this type of event would in no way affect the dog. However, I trust that none of my readers are even remotely surprised that Ab’s various injuries have a profound impact on my life. So…this back muscle injury occurred sometime in the early evening and grew progressively worse. By the time we tried to go to bed, Ab couldn’t lay down because the muscle was so sore. We didn’t have any painkillers on hand, so Ab packed a bunch of Ziploc baggies full of ice and grabbed a bag of frozen berries (yeah…I don’t have an explanation for the berries. It was late. She was in pain. I didn’t ask questions). We plopped down on our ice bed and Ab fell asleep pretty easily once everything went numb. I, on the other hand, was in zero pain and was now laying in a bed full of my favorite treat…ice…so I proceeded to open all the baggies and eat the ice cubes. (Ab sort of heard me doing this but was only half awake…so she let me do my thing). At some point, I mistook the bag of berries for an ice pack and tore it open. I don’t like berries, so I just left them alone and fell asleep. Apparently berries melt. Ab woke up in the morning to find the sheets covered in some bright red substance. OF COURSE, she assumed that it was my blood…freaked the hell out…and searched my whole body for the gaping wound and/or ruptured organ that caused such extreme blood loss. I refrained from pointing out that the amount of blood that would have been lost in order to cause such a mess would probably have prevented me from waking up at all. By the time Ab found the berry bag, she was so relieved that I was going to live that I didn’t get into any trouble. I have the easiest life in the world. I can do anything I please at any time, and as long as I live through the experience, she’s overjoyed. Cesar Milan would be disgusted by us.

Fast forward to this afternoon: We arrive home after our dog appointments to find a woman performing ‘mouth to snout’ on a kitten on the hood of her car (that sounds a lot more graphic than it’s meant to. “Mouth to snout” is legal…it’s CPR on animals). Anyways…we get out of the car and Ab basically just stands in front of the woman…in complete awe…as this kitten is quite obviously dead. She asks ‘what happened?’and the woman explains that she just found this kitten on the road and she has no idea how long it has been ‘not breathing’. (this is clearly not the kind of person that readily accepts death, so Ab refrains from pointing out the rigormortis). The cat-saver asks what we think she should do. This is the point where I start walking up the stairs to our condo so that I don’t have to listen when Ab suggests that she put the kitten in the dumpster and go get a mouth transplant. Don’t get me wrong, both Ab and I are fine with cats…but this isn’t a cat…this is a CORPSE. Ab and I, on the whole, hate dead things. Like, pretty much universally. I can’t think of a single dead thing that we really like. Needless to say, Ab immediately follows me up the stairs and we both do the “heebie-jeebie” dance upon entering our condo. I’m actually still a little grossed out as I type this….and amused by the fact that we pulled up next to the cat-saver in a VW bug displaying a magnet with our “Abby Loves Dogs” logo. Guess there’s no need to add “kittens…not so much” at this point. Think we made that clear. (and let’s be honest…if it had been a boxer puppy laying on the hood, Ab would have momentarily considered ripping out her own lungs and stuffing them into the puppy).

“Bark in the Park” is this Saturday at Zilker. Stop by and see us…we’ll have a booth. OH!!!! AND…we are one of the 1st Aid providers! Such great timing for this post. If you have a cat that needs help at this event, you should obviously look elsewhere. Go see Jen Arnett at the “JenniFurrs Pet Sitting and Dog Walking” booth. She has cats…she’ll help you.

(VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: we are not 100% clear on whether we’re supposed to give animal or human 1st Aid at this event. ONLY come to us if your dog needs help. We are the same duo that uses frozen berries to treat debilitating human back injuries. Don’t put us on the spot by coming over with some actual human emergency. We will make up a remedy for you that will undoubtedly cause more harm. Good. Responsibility fully absolved).

Alright pups. Happy Bastille Day. If I knew how to say “peace out’ in French, I would do so. This’ll have to do instead:

Crepes,

Piggy